Diary & Letters of Rutherford B. Hayes

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

[Page 65]

July 29.--More than two weeks have slipped by since I last
opened my diary. Since then I have been examined in most
of my studies for the past session. My success was very good
in all of them. I was best satisfied with my examination in
logic and rhetoric. Those studies I have taken much interest
in. I shall review them at my leisure, and hope in time to be-
come a perfect master of logic.
How strangely swift the time does fly. Only think, in one
little week I shall be a senior; a year, and then a graduate. But
who can tell what changes a year may bring? Short as the
three years since I entered college now seem, they have wrought
great changes in my views of things and, perhaps, greater still
in my anticipations and designs. I have always been ambitious,
dreaming of future glory, of performing some virtuous or pa-
triotic action, but it has been all dreams, and no reality. From
my earliest recollection, I have thought I had great power in me;
yet at the same time I was fully satisfied of my present insig-
nificance and mental weakness. I have imagined that at some
future time I could do considerable; but the more I learn, the
more I feel my littleness.
Well, I must stop these outpourings of youthful folly and
proceed to other matters. I have just taken a roommate, J.
A. Little. He enters the freshman class as I enter the senior.
He is very industrious, has a fine disposition and tolerable
abilities. I only hope his talents are equal to his temper. I
shall do all I can to help him on the way to distinction. I an-
ticipate great pleasure and some profit from the society of my
new chum.

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

[Page 67]

Columbus, August 25, 1841.--Many pleasant days have
passed, and many happy ones too, since I last wrote in
my journal--poor thing. [I] wonder that it does not feel
slighted; but it does not complain. I must, therefore, infer that
it has no feeling on the subject. Ah, it is vacation! That ac-
counts for the indifference it manifests as well as for my neglect.
The commencement exercises at Old Kenyon went off in style.
The graduating class acquitted themselves with credit. My long-
tried friend, Trowbridge, for whose success I was most anxious,
exceeded my fondest anticipations. The effect of his eloquence
on me was, indeed, surprising. I am accustomed to feel strongly
--how strongly, words cannot tell--when one of my friends is
gaining the palm of eloquence; but never before were tears
drawn so copiously from my eyes as when the closing sentence
of his oration passed his lips. I always thought him a persever-
ing, strong-minded man, but I was then satisfied that he pos-
sessed the true fire of genius. With a fair field and good health,
he can be really great. His style of speaking is Websterian--
plain, strong, and to the purpose. With the valedictorian, Mr.
Hall, I was never intimate, nor indeed very friendly. I thought
him of too cold a nature for warm friendship; but my faith in
the truth of this opinion was much shaken by his farewell to
his classmates. The style of [it] was simple as nature's self
and the thought and feeling true to life. As he spoke of the
final parting scene, his eyes filled with tears, and for the mo-
ment, I really loved him for the strong emotion he exhibited.

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

[Page 68]

Columbus, September 6, 1841.--The grogshop politicians of
this goodly city have been in constant ferment for a few weeks
past because of the veto of the Bank Bill by President Tyler.
The Van Buren men who opposed him so strenuously last fall,
now laud him to the skies for his integrity and firmness in dis-
regarding his party relations for the sake of the Constitution.
On the other hand, his former friends, the old Whigs, stigmatize
him as a traitor to his principles for disregarding the wishes of a
majority of his supporters. For myself, I do not consider the
professions of the Van Buren men sincere, nor do I think the
harsh denunciations of the Whigs as very becoming [to] the
original supporters of Harrison and Tyler. It is only by re-
maining united that they can continue to advance the great
interests of the country, and they should be careful how they
hazard all by casting loose from John Tyler for a conscientious
discharge of duty.
I was never more rejoiced than when it was ascertained that
Harrison's election was certain. I hoped we should then have a
stable currency of uniform value; but since Tyler has vetoed
one way of accomplishing this, I would not hesitate to try others.
So much for politics, in which I have ceased to take an interest.
My hopes and wishes were all realized in the election of old
General Harrison, and I am [glad] to be able to say that I am
now indifferent to such things.

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

[Page 69]

October 4, 1841.--I returned to college nearly a week ago,
eager to commence my winter's work. The rooms in college are
being extensively repaired and will be eventually very much im-
proved; but the noise and dirt are at present so annoying as to
be very unfavorable to study. What I have lost in study I have
gained in amusement, so I shall not complain.
I have not yet determined what amount of studying I shall
do, but it shall be more than ever before, if my health permits.
The regular studies of this session will not occupy near all of my
time, and I shall endeavor in company with friend Lang to re-
view algebra so as to lay a solid foundation for a future course
of mathematics. Several gentlemen have assured me that they
derived the greatest benefits from the good habits acquired while
studying mathematics at college. I shall yet do what I can to
gain all the advantages of this mode of discipline. Although
I think I have a good share of mathematical talent, it has here-
tofore been shamefully neglected; but "better late than never"
is a proverb as true as it is trite.
A portion of my time shall be given to logic, a study which
I have not slighted. If I find I can keep up these branches with
tolerable ease, I shall then take up French, when I shall have
about as many irons in the fire as I can attend to.
When I commenced I intended to write a few things which
were suggested by the recurrence of my nineteenth birthday. I
am now nineteen, truly a young boy for one of my age. Almost
a man, and still I feel as boyish as I did at sixteen. In two years
the law will consider me a man. That's all the law knows about
it. I shall be a boy then, an old one though. What an ig-
noramus for a nineteen-year-old! Pshaw, if I was of the de-
sponding sort, I would give up in despair. But none of that.
High hopes and lofty aspirations yet!

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

[Page 70]

Kenyon College, October 7.--I have studied nearly enough
today to satisfy me. Besides my regular studies, I have been
over, if not learned, a page of French and solved a large number
of problems in algebra. I find it is much easier to understand
their solution than I had anticipated. The whole of the first
two years of my college course, I neglected mathematics so much
that I began to think myself destitute of the particular faculties
which are essential to a mathematical mind. Under Professor
Ross, I quickly discarded this opinion. Mr. Ross, in addition to
those high mental endowments which a good teacher must have,
has also that winning, gentlemanly deportment which never fails
to make a teacher respected and beloved by his scholars. If
ever I become a mathematician, to him be the praise
Among the things which now mainly occupy my thoughts, the
situation of the two literary societies of the institution, are [is]
a source of the most care and anxiety.

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

[Page 71]

October 29.--The senior class are now studying mental phil-
osophy. It is easy to understand and full of interest. The
author tells a great many entertaining and amusing little incidents
to illustrate the various positions which he takes. The recita-
tions are chiefly colloquial. The President relates numerous
anecdotes of his own experience, most of which are very good.
His fund of good stories is almost inexhaustible. Having spent
his life in the busy scenes of camp, or among the throngs of a
crowded city, his opportunity for obtaining information of all
kinds has been most excellent. And from habits of close obser-
vation, his knowledge of men and things is very extensive, and
his recollection is remarkably accurate. He frequently differs
from the author, and by means of illustrations drawn from his
own observation, he never fails to make his opinions appear at
least reasonable. The only fault that any find with the President
is that he does not always make himself understood when asking
questions; this occasioned in part by his inability to bring himself
down to a level with his pupils, and partly by the supposition
that we are more familiar with the lesson than we generally are.
I am the more satisfied with the study of the philosophy of
mind from the number of useful lessons one can draw from it
relative to his own habits of study and reflection. Many of the
subjects of which it treats are eminently practical, especially
those chapters in which the subject of habits are [is] discussed.
The mental powers are so much influenced and regulated by
habit that I am surprised to see the little importance which is
generally attached to their formation as a part of education.
General as the neglect of intellectual habits has become, the in-
difference with regard [to] the sensitive part of the mind is even
more apparent. Very few appear to know how much the affec-
tions are within their own control, and still fewer act as if they
knew they could mould them to their will, and thus be the cause
of their own happiness or misery through life.
Every one should bear in mind that when he yields to any
passion, every repetition is giving it a power which may erelong
bind with links stronger than steel and more galling than the
cruel gyves of the galley slave.

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

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November 1, 1841.--I have been reading Beattie on "Truth"
for a few days past. It is indeed a masterly work. It contains
a clear and complete refutation of the doctrines maintained by
Hume concerning the non-existence of matter, necessity, and
free agency. It is affirmed by them [Hume] that there is no such
thing as reality in material objects; it is all ideal. This opinion
Beattie proves to be contrary to the common reason of mankind
in all ages; that though frequently maintained by sophists, yet
no man has ever acted as if he really believed it. The skeptic
is so inconsistent that he avoids a precipice with as much care
as the individual who believes it has a physical existence.
Hume asserts that our ideas are faint representations of ob-
jects, differing only in vividness; just as our ideas of the coun-
tenance of an absent friend resembles him in all but distinctness.
In showing the absurdity of this notion, Beattie makes use of
some ludicrous illustrations. "If this definition be a correct one,"
says he, "then, of course, the idea of red color must be a red
idea, the idea of a roaring lion, a roaring idea, the idea of a
jackass, a long-eared, hairy idea, very stupid and fond of
thistles."
In relation to fatality, he says it is contrary to our natures
to give it credence; sagacious disputants and practiced wranglers
may propose objections which are difficult to explain and answer,
but still we are unconvinced. They say that free agency is not
consistent with the foreknowledge of the Deity, that what he
foreknows will happen whether we wish or not. But the same
authority which tells us of the foreknowledge of the Divine
Mind also assures [us] of the free agency of man. There is a
deep mystery somewhere, but it is not in free will. This, every
one by his conduct admits. It must be therefore in the pre-
science of God. And because there is something in the nature
of God too deep for finite intellect to fathom, is this reason for
refusing belief to a doctrine which strictly accords with the
common sentiments of all mankind? No, NO, NO.

Volume I [1834 – 1860]

[Page 73]

November 7.--I am now a member of the senior class. Only
one short year remains before the frail bark of my destiny will
be tossing on the stormy waves of an untried sea. What will
be its fate in the voyage of life depends much on the exertions
I am now making. I know I have not the natural genius to
force my way to eminence, but if I listen to the promptings of
ambition, "the magic of mind" I must have; and since I cannot
trust to inspiration, I can only acquire it by "midnight toil"
and "holy emulation."
My lofty aspirations I cannot conceal even from myself; my
bosom heaves with the thought; they are part of myself, so
wrought into my very soul that I cannot escape their power if
I would. As far back as memory can carry me, the desire of
fame was uppermost in my thoughts. But I never desired other
than honorable distinction, and before I would "be damned to
eternal fame," I would descend to my grave unknown. The
reputation which I desire is not that momentary eminence which
is gained without merit and lost without regret. Give me the
popularity which runs after, not that which is sought for. For
honest merit to succeed amid the tricks and intrigues which are
now so lamentably common, I know is difficult; but the honor
of success is increased by the obstacles which are to be sur-
mounted. Let me triumph as a man or not at all.
Defeat without disgrace can be borne, but laurels which are
not deserved sit like a crown of thorns on the head of their
possessor. It is indeed far better to deserve honors without
having them than to have them without deserving them. Ob-
scurity is an honor to the man who has failed in "the pursuit of
noble ends by noble means." He can walk proudly forth be-
fore the face of nature and be conscious that he has not dis-
graced the image of his God. Although neglected and perhaps
despised by his fellows, there is a monitor within whose approv-
ing smiles are more valuable than the plaudits of millions. The
first sits upon her seat, unalterable as the sun in its course; the
other is more fitful than a summer's breeze. If an honorable
man gains the applause of his countrymen, he is richly rewarded,
for conscious of his own merit, he feels that it is deserved, and
knows that it is substantial because deserved.